Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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