If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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