No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
