4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
