Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
