what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
