Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
