Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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