Your mouth is God's brothel.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize