Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
