I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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