What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just found puke in my bra..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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