what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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