I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
