o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
