Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
