I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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