i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
