the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Pants are for mortals
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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