there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
