He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
