gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize