I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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