I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
