remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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