i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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