So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
