I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize