I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
