well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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