he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
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Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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