I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
