i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
