I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
being pregnant is like rehab
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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