I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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