The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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