Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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