Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just pee around me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
