He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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