3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
