make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
