i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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