Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
