I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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