U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The power of my boobs compel you
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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