do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
