Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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