I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
