More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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