if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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