good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
