her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize