WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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