I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
