How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
