Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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