Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
